So I have not been on much lately, but I have been really busy. Mom came home early from the hospital last saturday and things have been quite stressful. The car will most likely be gone soon. Along with our home. Then there is the whole matter of school which is a private school and if they do not agree to let me go there for free then i cannot anymore. I have been trying to figure a way to find another job that will give me hours everyday and possibly a really cheap apartment. Because oh yeah mom is not going back to work, and since she is the only source of income we are kind of screwed. My friend invited me to go visit her family in canada with her next weekend just to get away from it all, but I really need the money from working which I also need to call the shift manager tomorrow and ask her to please give me as many days as possible, even double ahifts anything. School starts tuesday, senior year. Yay. Everything is just fucking overwhelming and mom is so awkward to be around too. We used to just at least sorta talk. Normally she would not be gotten rid of until we talked. Now anytime I even want ti just say hi or am upset or just bored she just sorta looks at me and then resumes watching tv. I do not think she should be laying down 24/7 but what do I know?

There just are not many options right now. I do not want to live with moms boyfriend but I cannot afford an apartment for the two of us. Plus I just cannot abandon her in time of need. I wish there was a friend I could stay with but the only friend I would is my closes friend and I am not allowed at her house because her parents think I stole six hundred dollars from them and I did not. There are no words to convey how much I didnt takethat money. I didnt even know it was there. My grandma would help except she is broke and she could get me a car but instead buys one for my molestor of a cousin, even though she knows what he did. Dear old daddy would help if I had one. The only family that actually cares is to poor to help. Mom keeps talking about getting an abortion, but for all the wrong reasons. It seems she got pregnant in the first place for all the wrong reasons. Plus my closest friend rarely talks to me lately, maybe she thinks i took the money too. Bt prkbably not.

Anyways good news I am goin to virgin fest tomorrow/day and get to see blink 182 and i freakin love them. I just hope that maybe the music will do a little magic and heal the soul man. Who knows maybe by some freak coincidence of fate or something everything will work out. The way things have been going though, i definitely would not count on it.

I would write some words of wisdom but am way too tired to get up. So just keep on keepin on

So this is most likely going to be far from grammatically correct since i am still using my ipod to type this. There is a reason people do not text whole words but life is freakin spiraling. Or perhaps circling because a lot of things feel so repetitive. I was trying to be this whole new person and change and try and do things with my life differently. But i am not even sure if i believe people can ever change who they are intentionally. I just feel tired of everything. Money is getting extremely tight and mom is taking off work for the rest of august because she has to go to stay at the hospital for some pregnAnt reason. I go to a private school and we were Already behind at least a thousand dollars and school has not even started. I am really short on money and i need to try and find another job on top of the one i have now because it is not an everyday thing. We are most likely going to lose our car and we live in the city but not an easy enough city to live in without our own form of transportation. I just talked with mom about all of this before i went in to work today only to find out that on top of that whole money issue i am scheduled only one fucking time this week an i am really really pissed about it. I am not ready for school to start because i was planning on buying supplies, uniform, and books with my next paycheck and the one i was going to get after that for work this week. But no i probably do not even know what the hell to do and i do not understand anything at the moment except i feel like a mix of the guy in garden state and the guy from wanted which is really annoying. I hope everything gets figured out and that everyone else is having a better day.

Words of wisdom: "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

On the bus ride home from alabama, I coincidentally met this really interesting guy. I mean I really liked him, and we had at least a whole night of talking and spending time together. It was one of the best of my life. It is crazy because he was cool and funny, and I felt completely comfortable with him, which I never feel that way with people(except my one and only closest friend), but even compared to her, it isn't the same. He lives far away from me though, and it probably wouldn't work out because of that. Plus, I just think it may have been one of those nights, you know where you look back and think that could have been the one, but the moment one. Where it could only be that night really. Does that make sense?
   Like there cannot be more because it just is not either one of our lives, perhaps. Maybe one day I will meet him again(I sure do hope so).I did get his number and myspace, but I do not think that will really go anywhere. I just have a feeling that if I ever am in where he lives, I will call him up and ask if he wants to hang out. I just hate that I have not had a boyfriend all high school. That I cannot find a guy in this town at all, because they are either dumb or assholes, or both. I finally meet someone with whom I feel good, just right, and it just cannot work out. At least right now, and I am so tired of not being with someone. Someone that I feel something for though, because I have a feeling I am a bit picky; and that may be my problem. But, I don't just want to waste time with someone I don't find attractive, or funny. Funny is definitely a big one. This all probably sounds silly, but it really pisses me off. It is trivial, yet I do not care about that at all. There is a point where it just is not enough, and I am hitting that point. Friends are not just enough. Stupid boys are really not enough at all. Flirty, creepy, crushing on me guys are just weird. And guy friends that keep crushing on me is difficult. I always screw things up in this way, and find faults somehow every time I like a guy, or could possibly like a guy.

I just want too much. I do not want it to be just a moment. That is what really gets me, that it probably was just a moment; and I really hate that. I wish I could say I did not, but that is not true.